Product Review: Sony Xperia (No) Go

I may work in advertising but that doesn’t mean I’m not affected by marketing ploys. When I saw the ad for the Xperia Z, it definitely caught my attention.

Slow-motion partying with my girlfriend and a bunch of friendly Indian dudes while being hit with a series of choking colour grenades looked like a great idea. Our clothes – and possibly our lungs – would be ruined but my phone would be fine because I’d be able to give it a bath. Happy days.

Of course, I went for the more affordable Xperia Go instead of the top-of-the-range Xperia (because I’m poor). They were both Xperia’s and they were both waterproof. And the Go looks just like the Z, only more compact (read: small screen). Who give’s a shit, right?

xperia-go-gallery-01-940x5291Everyone. Everyone should give a shit.

I’ve had my Sony Xperia Go for over a year now and I can safely say that it is the worst phone I’ve ever Xperianced.

As I write this, my phone is on but the screen is completely blank. In case you weren’t sure, this renders the phone completely useless.

Photo on 08-09-2014 at 15.50

Can you see the loathing in my eye?

Look closer.

Fuck you, Sony Xperia Go!

I can hear teasing message notifications  coming through but I can’t respond because:

MY PHONE IS ABOUT AS USEFUL AS A STYROFOAM TAMPON .

Not to worry though, it’ll come back on eventually. Not when I remove the battery because the battery can’t be removed. And not when I hold down the power button in combination with the volume key (hard reset) because that doesn’t work either.

It’ll come back on when it feels like it. 

But what’s it like when the screen is on?

Very shit.

The Sony Xperia Go takes epic lag to a whole new level. In case you’re not sure, that means there’s a massive delay for any operation you try to complete. From unlocking the screen to answering calls, everything takes exponentially longer when you’ve got an Xperia Go.

Trying to use a basic app like Gmail?
Forget about it.

Need to send a quick-fire text?
Not happening.

Want to turn your alarm off cos it’s a public holiday and, for the love of God, you deserve some sleep?
While you frantically swipe at the screen like an angry zombie, the Go will stay on just long enough to wake you up good and proper.

There’s a way to combat this kinda of all-encompassing delay. It’s called patience. I realised I’d need to invest in some very early on during my relationship with my phone. And I did. But there came a point when patience wasn’t enough… even before the screen started  flatlining on me.

As my Go grew more and more decrepit, it became nearly impossible to receive calls. In case you’ve forgotten,  perhaps due to the advent of  social media and apps-for-everything, taking calls is the most basic function of a cellular phone. Something everyone who doesn’t have a Go takes for granted.

Let’s imagine you call me right now.

After a few moments, you hear a ringing tone. Except on my side, there is no ringing… not yet. After a few seconds, my phone’s screen reacts to the incoming call by displaying your name/number. A second or two after that, the ringtone finally kicks in. But the option to answer/reject the call hasn’t yet appeared on screen.

All the while you’re thinking either that I’m in a meeting; that my phone’s fallen into that impossible-to-reach crevice next to the car seat; that I’ve been ravaged by a pack of marauding hyenas; or that I’m ignoring you.

In actual fact, I’m staring at my phone waiting for that stupid-fucking answer option to appear on screen, practically willing it into existence. When it does appear, there’s only a few seconds left before you’re forwarded to voice mail. I know this. And I’m prepared.

In one motion and with Bruce Lee type reflexes, I swipe across the screen, flick the phone to my ear and say hello.

Hello-bruce-lee-14927646-350-350

‘Hello! Hello? Helooooo? Can you heeeeear me? Oh-for-shit’s sake!’

Of course you can’t hear me. You’re leaving a message. I swiped too fast. The Sony Xperia Go couldn’t deal with it and the actual operation of answering the call lagged until you were forwarded to voice mail… which brings me back to my earlier point:

Fuck you, Sony Xperia Go!

How do I explain that to you?
‘My phone lagged so badly that I missed all seven of your calls. Sorry’.

That sounds weak. And it is. But its weak on Sony’s part. Sure, my Sony Xperia Go wasn’t always this bad but it was always some level of bad. And if you regularly clear the cache and make sure absolutely nothing but the most critical apps are running, you can at least hope to receive calls… some of the time.

But that simply isn’t good enough for a phone that rides on the success of the Xperia range and is itself, not really that cheap.

In conclusion

Never buy an Xperia Go.

My limited knowledge of computer systems tells me the Go’s problems lie in a veritable lack of Random Access Memory (RAM). 512 MB just doesn’t cut it these days. Essentially, what Sony did with the Xperia Go equates to offering someone a modern luxury saloon that can’t make it up hills and has a top speed of oh-my-god-I-can-walk-faster.

Even the camera is total crap.

Fortunately for Sony, they invented the Playstation and so I can forgive them anything. I only wish they had included a warning with the Xperia Go. Something along the lines of:

Warning: this cellular phone was designed as a revenge gift for your worst enemy. Its evil knows no bounds. It can be disposed of only in the fires of Mordor.

tumblr_n1q3i47ris1sfp046o1_500

P.S – The Xperia Go is only waterproof until the flimsy little plastic covers on the charger and audio ports fall off, which isn’t very long at all.

– Anialltor.

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One thought on “Product Review: Sony Xperia (No) Go

  1. Brilliant article Niall. I can feel ur anger. Guess Experia Go got up and went to nowhere. Boils down to buying a cell phone and not a computer that you think you can make and answer phone calls on. I’ve got a Nokia circa 1998 you can use ha ha.

    Liked by 1 person

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