Dear ANC: Leave Cape Town Alone

“We control eight provinces very well. We are looking at taking over the Western Cape very soon, starting with the local government elections in 2016″

Jesse Duarte, ANC Deputy Secretary General

“Because if this province (Western Cape) is not in the hands of the ANC, you will continue to suffer.”

Jacob Zuma, President of the International Council of Assholes, speaking to residents of Philippi.

If, like me, you’re a South African living outside the Western Cape, Cape Town is probably you’re shining oasis of first world awesomeness. Besides being impossibly beautiful, shit just works there. The government, for the most part, does what it’s supposed to do. It’s no accident that Cape Town beat out cities like Venice to claim the Top Holiday Destination for 2014 in respective polls held by Britain’s The Guardian  and New York Times in the US.

That’s best holiday city IN THE WORLD, ANC. Think about it for a second. Think about all the wondrous places you’d like to see across the globe. Brits and Americans would rather be in Cape Town.

Why oh why, would you want to fuck that up? Just don’t.



Let’s start with you, Jesse, shall we?

You said ‘We control eight provinces very well.’


For shit’s sake woman, take a look around you. I could go and fetch stats regarding crime, unemployment, wealth disparity, racism, xenophobia, education, service delivery and God damn potholes (why, oh why, do their have to be so many potholes? Are you making the roads out of fucking plaster of Paris!?).

I’m not going to fetch the stats cos I don’t need to… and I’m lazy. But I really don’t need to. You know what I’m talking about. Not because you’re a politician but because you’re South African. You know the story, Jesse. And it doesn’t read well.

For example, I happen to know that Americans working for Peace Corps here in South Africa aren’t allowed to spend the night in Joburg. If they do and something happens to them, they’re on their own. No cover. Because they see Joburg as the most dangerous place in the world. Basically Peace Corps is saying, ‘You went to that crime-ridden shithole, you did it to yourself.’

Now I don’t happen to wholly agree with that. Joburg is not Hell on Earth. A lot of great people live here and you can live a pretty first-world life if you’ve got the money. Some parts of Joburg are brilliant. The point is, that’s the perception – that Joburg is no place to be. And all in all, the crime stats support that idea.

What’s the tag-line again? A first-class African City? Sure. Then you woke up and your coffee was cold.

What about the rest of the country?

You’re fucking that up too.

I’m the first one to acknowledge that the task of consolidating the country post apartheid was a mammoth one. The NP only had to worry about the white minority – a small, manageable population. They just chucked everyone else in to homelands and treated them as sub-citizens; sub-humans, in fact. Anyone who thinks they weren’t corrupt either, is dreaming.

Suddenly you had a massive, hopeful non-white population to fit into existing infrastructure. Not easy. But it’s been over 20 years and you’re going backwards.

Thanks for the awesome new Gauteng (not)freeways by the way. When I’m stuck in a cluster fuck of traffic everyday, I always think how the e-tolls are worth it.

Durban city is a shithole. So are most CBDs in most towns and cities around the country. Being a farmer in an outlying area is almost a death-wish because there’s no one to hear you scream when the robbers/murderers inevitably come. And the police are useless, especially in Gauteng. I’m not even going to mention the energy crisis because I kind of feel bad for you now.

What’s your excuse? What unfortunate turn of events forced you to govern like dickheads for two whole decades? I’d like to know. Stop blaming apartheid for your own current inadequacy. It’s unbecoming of a political party once covered in glory and the admiration of the world.

On second thought, your statement was quite apt.

My apologies. You didn’t claim to govern the provinces well. You only said that you control them well. Lol. Now who’s the idiot, right?

You do control them very well. You’ve put a lot of hard work into scaring the voters into choosing you again and again. As JZ said to the residents of Philippi in the Western Cape:

“…if this province (Western Cape) is not in the hands of the ANC, you will continue to suffer.”

Service delivery is such a ball ache. Fear mongering isn’t. Why tell the uneducated voters what they’ll get if they do vote for you when you can tell them what will happen if they don’t vote for you? Negative reinforcement – that’s the future.

But negative reinforcement doesn’t work when people are educated. Those people can use logic and understanding to realise that you guys suck major balls. You keep them ignorant, don’t you? Be honest. You’ve not done much to educate the masses and a South African matric is now pretty much a joke by international standards.  Very clever, ANC. Very clever.

Cape Town is for you too

You enjoy Cape Town as much as the rest of us. You can visit anytime, in private jets nonetheless. You’ve got all of the other provinces. 8 out of 9 ‘aint bad. And you know you’ve ruined the rest of the city centres across the country. If you take ‘control’ of the Western Cape, you’re gonna ruin it for yourselves as well as everyone else.

The DA has done you a favour. When your country comes under criticism, you can always say: ‘but look at Cape Town and it’s surrounds. The Western Cape is a world-class African province. So take that, fuckers.’

You don’t have to thank the DA but you should at least be quietly grateful and let them go about their business. Campaign there to keep up your image (what image, I’m not sure) but do it half-heartedly and leave the Western Cape be. Swallow your pride at let God-Zille talk. After all, that’s all she can do, right?

Because you control 8 out of 9 provinces very fucking well.

Don’t do it for me, or your people even. Do it for yourselves.



P.S – Jacob Zuma: I know you may be just following the plan I laid out for you, but leave Cape Town out of it. Please.


Have your say

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s